Mrs Shaw
Week 19: 14th - 20th July
Selam!
A later upload this week, as the weekend has been the most exciting point. But first, I shall rewind to last weekend, which was a wholesome reset from the hedonism of the one before. I spent lots of time with one of the best people on this planet, my cousin Müge. She came to visit London and we explored the Coal Drops Yard Illustration Fair together. I bought a couple of bits: a warthog charm for my bag, a pigeon-themed comic, a beautiful repurposed old postcard of Piccadilly Circus for my wall… And we sat in the shade by the canal with iced coffees and chitter-chatter, it was great (:
Then Sunday, it was my turn to visit Müge in Hitchin! I arrived at her flat at around eleven and we hotfooted it to the Sunday market in the town centre. It was a mix of car boot sale and classic town street market, reminiscent of where I grew up in Gosport and also the shopping heaven that is Istanbul’s Salı Pazarı (Tuesday Market), only on a tiny scale, small enough to fit into a Turkish coffee cup. My acquisitions were extremely random and included: 3 rings (£1 each), One Day by David Nicholls (50p), a packet of 6 condoms (expiration date 2027; 50p) and… Three pairs of shoes belonging to Mrs Shaw.
Who is Mrs Shaw? I know little. The only facts I have: she lived in or close to Hitchin, she has the exact same size feet as me, the same taste in footwear as me, and she passed away recently. Her son donated a bunch of her shoes to the Hitchin Rotary Club and the Hitchin Rotary Club decided to sell at the Sunday market on the 13th July and I happened to be there, with an open mind, eyes and wallet. The Rotary Club men were highly amused at my enthusiasm. Each pair I tried just continued to feel comfortable and look good! It was like a Fairy Shoemother sprinkled some luck on me that day, and her name was Mrs Shaw.
I asked the Rotary Club men if they could let Mrs Shaw’s son know that three pairs of her shoes had gone to one very grateful, delighted person. That they would be appreciated and well-worn for a little longer yet. I bloody love shoes. And I am starting the process of dating; being open to new people and opportunities for fun. And three new pairs of shoes is quite the nudge in that direction. Perhaps her name was Mrs Carrie Brad Shaw - it certainly feels that way!
After a menemen and Nighty Night break back at Müge’s, we went down to Cadwell Farm to immerse ourselves in lavender. It was gorgeous!! I never saw so many bees, dilly dilly. Müge suggested we take some photos for my impending Hinge profile. The obvious stagedness of it is a bit at odds with the vibe I want to convey but I had fun nonetheless and we took lots of pictures that we will treasure as memories of youth when we are old Turkish ladies barging youngsters out of our way at the Salı Pazarı. Here are a couple of my favourites:
See what I mean… A bit posey for Hinge but I will look back on them and appreciate the time capsule of it all! It was great fun and nobody can make me relax and laugh quite like Müge, even when doing a photoshoot amongst lots of families and tourists and bumblebees!
All in all, a gorgeous and calm weekend. I read Loser by Jerry Spinelli, writer of a book I adored as a child and changed how I thought about the world and people and who I wanted to become a bit - Stargirl. It is beautiful. I was really drawn to books about outcasts who have it hard: the worlds of Spinelli, Philip Ridley, Jacqueline Wilson, LM Montgomery and JM Barrie were my respites. Loser, and the weekend with my cousin, were healing. The bruise on my leg is fading, my scar has returned to being concave rather than convex, and I felt like a human again. Thank you, Müge - çok teş!!
And what of Mrs [C.B.] Shaw and her shoes; what of the world they step into, the date-o-sphere? Well, with Lula’s help I have now got a Hinge profile up and running! 31 feels somewhat old to be on the apps for the first time but I think Mrs [C.B.] Shaw would tell me not to be so silly, people date and meet people at any age. And she would be right!! I have actually quite enjoyed the week of dabbling with it, working it out and navigating the Top Trumps/MSN hybrid of it all.
And I even had my first date last night! It went well from the perspective of: Bengi’s first Hinge date, surviving the nerves and newness of that. I managed to do the greeting bit ok, which is the aspect I was actually most worried about. Do I say: Hi, ____! Or: Hey, are you ____? Or just forego the name entirely? That thought warranted last-minute voice note advice from Lula and Hannah, who sent me their suggestions in some retrospectively hilarious 0:02 clips of speech. But somehow I got through the greeting and held my own in the chat department and stayed true to myself, which is the key thing, really. So despite a lack of sparks, it was a good experience. I dove into the dating pool and didn’t bang my head on the bottom! I’m in the water, afloat, and free to swim in whichever lane or direction I want.
So I suppose my takeaway from this week is that we can be who we want to be, do things we want to do, step into shoes that walk us in new directions. My confidence is growing, week by week. I am really proud of how I have navigated this Spring: being unexpectedly dumped, tighter financial situation, rejection… But also: passing exams, learning new things, and keeping going. I know who I am as an individual, untethered person, and I feel like I have a lot to offer people and I feel ready to gain from what others may offer me.
I want to meet D@vid Byrne; somebody who loves Eric Rohmer movies (even if they haven’t seen them yet) but essentially criticises the characters; who doesn’t deride reality tv; who is going to open my eyes to things I don’t know about yet; and who looks at my badges and gets them. I don’t want to have a relationship for a while. But I want to explore and meet people and keep my mind open that the above person exists. If I could find three pairs of shoes that I love exactly my size at Hitchin Sunday Market (and a packet of 50p condoms), I can find D@vid Byrne!!
Other bits
This is a beautiful song that kind of matches the way I feel this week. Ozgur showed me the album; they’re a Turkish-Cypriot band and it’s just perfect start to finish. I think the song sounds really optimistic and upbeat, a la On and Ever Onwards (Bjork and DIrty Projectors). But I may be totally off the mark with the actual subject matter. I don’t understand the lyrics and Turkish music is so often melancholy!!
And this was a highlight: the Frank Barnes International Evening on Wednesday. Badgy Sue made an appearance!! Customised badges were popular and I sold out of all 40 rather swiftly! Louise and I did our last joint performances with the Signing Stars BSL Choir. We did three songs from three different countries: Dancing Queen, Three Little Birds, and Flow by Big Ocean, a deaf KPop band! It was great fun but I’ll really miss Louise. Happysad.
Another sad goodbye; the last tap class of the term!! Jen and I are moving to the Friday group in September so I won’t see lovely Stela, Grace, Andrew, Rachel etc any more. And Satoko is fully back in Japan now!! :-( She has been a solid pal for a year, since I met her in Beginners last Spring. Seeing her happy face every Monday was a given and now it’s a taken!! I will miss her so much and definitely want to visit her and her lovely partner Yuki one day. I will!
And finally, this too is an ending but of a happier sort… I finished my first scarf ^____^ Zanna was a terrific teacher! If I wasn’t so sentimentally attached to this first one I would gift it to her, but I am the type of person who keeps receipts and tickets for my scrapbook journal so I’ll make her one soon. It’s a great feeling and accomplishment. To be seen in Autumn!!