Perfect Days
Week 7: April 21st - 27th
Here we are, at the end of the Easter holidays. It’s always a shame to relinquish the freedom of day after day, no work and no obligations. But I must say I am sort of looking forward to the return to routine, the distractions. Because Easter for me has been a very crucial stage in the breakup - a sort of vanishing point. Thoughts of rekindling, of mistakes and regrets, have dwindled to nothing. This is it now. I have accepted it, and I have started to take the steps that feel intuitive and natural to process my new state of being - single.
Most of these steps have been internal. I have had to reframe how I see myself. I am no longer somebody who can count on a partner, and all the really lovely things that that entails. Somebody for whom you are the centre of their world; who lives their life but plans it with you in mind; with whom you are a team, supporting one another emotionally, practically, intimately and lovingly. I am not Goethe’s Werther; I know I have access to many of those streams of support from my wonderful friends. But I no longer have one person to rely on.
The emotional impact of this realisation was tough. However, it has brought beautiful little revelations too. I am the type of person who likes (probably more like needs) to share life; perhaps on some occasions it is a lacking of confidence that is sated only with reassurance, but I think I also just love to laugh with people, and pass on and receive the interest/joy/hilarity of a song, or a trailer, or a book, or a really juicy reality tv altercation. So all that energy has to go somewhere, if not to him.
Over Easter I have realised that I can redivert those streams to the people I have always had around me. It is not as though I have never asked Izzy a techy question before, but now she has taken on the role of my Tech Support. I think she likes it; she is getting an aux and some laughs out of it! And I know that Harry is my go-to for questions about film. And David for anything cultural. And Lula for anything emotional or irrational - she will never judge me, and that makes me feel so safe in this whole horrible thing. And so on. That has been affirming.
So on the inside, things are starting to work differently. It only felt right that I made some external changes too. Not to my body (no break-up haircut or tattoo here; yet!)... But to my room. Because it is now not our room, it is mine. It needed to change. So I have spent the last two weeks transforming the space into something completely mine; Bengifying it with photos, postcards, cushions, a Turkish lamp, a vase, a yucca plant, a new bookshelf and even new bedding... Everywhere I look I see a signifier of a choice that this new, single me made regarding the vibe I was going for. And I am very pleased with it!
I am my mother’s daughter; we both scorn the minimalistic, and feel happiest in spaces that are best described as cosy, sentimental, brightened and hopeful. Some may use the word ‘clutter’; I say ‘character.’ It feels like I am the Sultan of a Turkish harem where my concubines are my books, and that is exactly the vibe I was going for. Harika! I love sitting with a book and a Turk kahve at what I call the golden hour of sunlight through the beautiful bay windows, tinged red through the parrots I salvaged from the school pirates display and stuck to the glass. And I look forward to the moment it gets just dark enough that I turn on my Turkish lamp, and the room takes on a gorgeous velvety decadent hue. Perfect conditions to watch MAFs!
As I mentioned earlier I have a sociable, sharing side to me and I am figuring out new ways of managing that. But I also have a hermit-like side to me, which hits differently when you’re not hermiting with a partner anymore and you’re fully, fully alone, like Hirayama in the film Perfect Days. Maybe my houseproudness is a little pathetic, but it brings me joy, and calm, and a reason to feel excited about getting home to an empty room. It is an external solution to an internal problem. I really love Perfect Days; even though I first saw it whilst I was in a relationship that seemed it would last forever, Hirayama’s appreciation of simple pleasures, his love of reading and music, his living on his own terms appealed to me a lot. And now, in this situation I have found myself in, I feel encouraged by another aspect: his embracing of solitude. A role model; a true independent king!!
Things that suddenly have way, way more value:
Daylight
Lighting in general
Radio (always on!!)
Journaling, writing
Candles
Plants
My cezve to brew Turk kahve
Photos being everywhere
Ice cream
Hosting friends (if you haven’t come over yet, please do!)
